| Last one |
[Jun. 26th, 2006|09:28 pm] |
Well, this will probably be the last entry that I write here. I'm 22 years old and am writing in a fucking online journal. Time to take the next step in becoming an adult. I have met many many obstacles, and I'm still standing. The ones standing beside me are the only ones that matter at this point. So, here we go with what will be my last LJ entry..
The first summer semester was a blast, and I feel confident about the material. Today I had my last 2 lectures, and wednesday I have finals, so I went home this past weekend and got a ton done. I hadn't been home since easter, and it was VERY refreshing to get to spend the time with my family, and Adam, my 4-year summer basketball buddy. In 2 games of 1-on-1 I had 11 blocks. We talked a lot and caught up. He's one of the only people that I can talk to, and that talks to me about anything. He is a very good quality friend that I appreciate very much.
I went to The Ark on friday with the whole fam after I played ball with adam and some other old friends, both sisters and all to see 'the hackensaw boys' who blew me away. Then I hung out at Jen's house and the band came over because Jen knows them from when she lived in virginia. That was awesome, and they're all really cool guys, especially Jimmy. Thats Jimmy Stelling, as in Stelling Banjo's. He was phenomenal. Anyway, that was a really good time around the bonfire we made.
Saturday was more bball, lots of studying and an awesome dinner with the family. I didn't want to go back to school, but I get to return home wednesday afternoon after finals, or thursday sometime because the guys from the floor freshman year and I are all getting together wednesday night. That'll be a blast.
Now I'm just taking a break from my insane study rampage to write a few thoughts.
Being alone can hurt more than anything, but it can also open your eyes to all the amazing things that you have been missing because you were so used to your routine. I have strengthened so many of my friendships and made new ones as well. It has changed me as a person, as I realize that you can never rely on somebody else to make you happy. You have to be able to make the best out of any situation, and know that if today is the worst day of your life, things can only get better. I find that when I am by myself, my mind wanders to places that maybe it shouldn't, but at other times, it wanders to places that I never thought it would. I have expanded my horizons over the last 5 months, and although it was a painful process that started with a stab in the back, I appreciate the new qualities that I have attained.
Here's what I have learned about myself in a nutshell: I know that the feeling of having someone hold you, and holding someone are two of the best most powerful feelings in the world, but I don't need them to be happy with my life; While a big part of who I am is trying to make people around me happy, I now realize that I was not doing enough to make myself happy, and was investing myself in things that I shouldn't have; I have regrets, but I find it better to look at a regret as a learning experience; When something is broken, I have an uncontrollable urge to fix it; There are very few people who will stick with you through thick and thin...this is a VERY important thing that I have learned. Forgiveness is devine, and only a handful of people posess this quality; There is a lot about me that most people don't know, and I want people to know those things. The things I have learned, the places I've been, the experiences I've had, the knowledge that I have obtained, the things that I can do, I want to share all these things with people, but only those who are willing to listen and appreciate it.
Well, thats about all I feel like writing now. I've got 5 more sections of homework to get through tonight if I want to meet my goal (which I do). I just can't wait until 1) wednesday night reunion, 2) Tally Hall concert in ann arbor on july 6th, 3) ZOG with my family, Metro, and my Uncle Mark and his 2 boys (this is the most important one) from july 22nd-27th in the U.P.
If anyone wants to know anything about me, I find it is more useful to talk to somebody rather than to read about what is on their mind at 9:28pm on a monday night. I'll be around, just being myself and staying out of trouble. I'm finally living for a purpose. $1,000 says you don't know what it is. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 3rd, 2006|01:27 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | I dunno | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sore | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Joe Walsh - Life of Illusion | ] |
I haven't written anything in this for awhile. I guess I just haven't felt like it. I've been busy with summer classes, but I'm tearing them up. I missed a 4.0 on my first stats exam by 1 goddamn point which is annoying, but I did well on my math exam and stats quiz today, so I don't feel too bad. On my days off, I basically just do homework, watch movies, go running, go to the gym, and go to the lake. It's been fun so far I guess, but I miss people. Andy I miss a lot, but at least I still get to talk to him, Graham doesn't really answer his phone and I miss him a lot too.
The new roommates are cool I guess. J-5 is fun, but Kevin is kinda lame. Both of them are HORRIBLE at doing dishes. I've done and put away 3 gigantic loads this week, and none of them were mine. It sickens me.
Anyway, my birthday is on tuesday and I can't think of anything that I want, at least not anything that somebody can buy for me. Bleh, whatever, I try not to think about that but little things keep reminding me how lonely this can feel. On the good side, the person that I've been seeing about a rough time I was going through last semester said that she didn't think that I needed to come in anymore, which is nice to hear from somebody like that. My friends have also told me that they're proud of how I have changed for the better, and that's nice to hear from anybody. I feel good about it. The pistons are out now which really sucks, but they weren't playing like they deserved to win. Shooting 28% won't win you a title. Besides, there are more important things than that.
Today right after my exam and quiz I went to grand rapids with a group of friends for this festival. It was okay, but it rained the whole time and I got soaked. I came back, watched the game, then we played basketball in the street. It started out 4 on 3 (Corey, Joe, Dom and Tim vs. Me, Metro and Brenner). Then, Corey left and we pretty much spanked them. It was fun and we finished up around 1:15am. Now I'm sitting here sober and feeling rejuvinated. Not drinking on the weekends makes them so much more enjoyable I have come to realize this summer. I think we're going out for my birthday on either monday night or friday night but I refuse to drink the nasty shit that 'friends' try to make you drink on your 21st birthday. Plus, this is my 22nd bday, so it's different. I didn't even go out for my birthday actually. My parents took me and my girlfriend at the time out to the restaurant where my sister was working and I ate shark...then I went to my girlfriends house, drank an Oberon and watched the pistons game. It was really nice, and I miss having somebody like that to hang out with and have to just share everything with. I could go on about this topic, but I really just don't want to think about it now because it gets my mind racing and I just get nervous and upset.
Anyway, I have to fold the laundry covering my bed so I can go to sleep cause I got up at 7 to study more for my exam at 10:20. School is going well, my friendships are going pretty well with most people, and as far as a relationship goes, well, thats not really going at all. Who knows, maybe I'll meet somebody that fits me just right...I can only hope |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 23rd, 2006|10:01 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Outer Space | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blank | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Weezer - Only In Dreams | ] |
Well, it's been a busy last several days. Lots of school-related activities, but I've been hanging out with my roommates a lot which is really good. I Played basketball with Grammy on wednesday and some kid elbowed me in the mouth which forced me to get 6 stitches, and screwed up my bite so an oral surgery or spring retainer may be in order. The worst part of it all is that the kid didn't even ask if I was okay. Not a damn word! WFT?!! Anyway, it's over with and the stitches come out tomorrow and then maybe I'll be able to eat like a normal person.
The dischord concert last night was Andy, Ryan, Clint, and Ben's last (Goat, Metro, Muffin and Piper respectively). It was soooo effing sad seeing those guys go! I definitely welled up quite a bit, as I usually do when I see my loved ones cry. I love all of those guys. It was a really sad thing but after that, there was a really good vibe in the theatre I though. Those guys are my bread and butter and are the best friends ever. I'm going to do whatever I can next year to not lose touch with them because our friendships are too special to let go. I love the barbeques, the basketball in the driveway or street, the nickelodeon GaS shows, the MacGyver (especially), Andy screaming about 'Elder Scrolls' (Morrowind or Oblivion, you pick), Bolton telling me about good electronics deals via slickdeals.net, Metro being my gay lover hahaha (in context it is rather funny but outside of that people will only think strangely of us heh), Graham and his spirit even though I beat his ass at basketball every time (except one when he took my ass to school) and his willingness to always give me a hug. Basically I love all of my roommates and hate the thought of not seeing them as much next year, which is partly why I'm joining glee club next year.
The after-party is a horse of a different color (thanks wizard of Oz...)! I hung out with heather, nicole and weibel (or at least tried to, there were a lot of people that I hadn't seen in awhile that I wanted to talk to and I felt kind of bad leaving them because they didn't know too many people). They left pretty early (well, relative to when the party really started). I had one beer here, then went over to Uhl's place on Milford and had one more beer because I wanted to see all the guys from 6 east wilson and corie, and I got to talk to my good bball buddy Joe Smiles for awhile as well as Crosby and all the other pals from the floor. Horgan was a wreck, and chris cut his head open jumping into a light bulb. More people though my lip stitches were a lip ring there. I left after about 30 minutes and the insanity at my house was...well...insane! Boots picked up Andy and we with piper did a pile-on, I had 2 more beers and was done for the night (good decision on my part cause I have sh** to do today. PISTONS PLAYOFFS GAME!). Bolton kept kissing Mary on the mouth even though I told him and he knew that she has a b/f! What a dick haha, but hey, it's Bolton and he was obliterated. Andy was also quite inhebriated but that makes him lovey towards his buddies, and his reactions to stuff are really entertaining. I ended up staying up until after 4, because goat, grammy and metro were all locked in their rooms and bolton was all over the place. Basically I was the responsible one. Bolton ended up walking in on metro naked but wrapped in a blanket and talked to him for like, 20 minutes, then he realized there was a naked girl hiding behind the door hahaha! My lip also started to bleed a little bit, which is no fun but then again, neither are stitches in general!
I realized tonight that in general, I would rather make jokes and make people feel awkward than flirt! Maybe thats why I'm still single. I show my somewhat offensive (unless you know me and know that I'm kidding) sense of humor right away, even if I haven't meat the person. Oh well, I guess that somebody is bound to appreciate it eventually and realize that I'm always joking when I saying things that could be considered offensive. Blech, I don't want to think about this right now, but I can't help it with all the drama happening around me! I think I just need some chinese buffet and a pistons game to chill me out. I am just really lonely. I miss having somebody to snuggle with as I fall asleep and that will always make me feel better when I'm down. Like I said...blech to the things that I want but do not have :(.
Well, I left a ton out but I have to go do important things, such as study for this damn exam! |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 9th, 2006|09:08 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Haiti | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  weird | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Deftones - Feiticeira | ] |
Well, saturday I went home and visited my older sister. The neighborhood kids climbed all over me and it was really funny for awhile. I hung out with my family and friends from MSU. I took Boots et. al. to this awesome italian restaurant called 'Argerio's' and then we went to the Tally Hall concert. I can't describe it, it was sooooooo awesome! One of if not THE best concerts I've ever been to. I went to bed at 3 and hung around ann arbor with the fam until ~ 5:30, then I came back to E.L.
We grilled chicken breasts and burgers and played cornhole in the front yard until dark. We also played some bball in the back. Some random ppl came over (like, 10 people in all) and hung out. I'm pretty worn out from a very eventful weekend, but I have a feeling I'll be hanging out with these new folks for a bit.
I realized today that I can be truely happy with my family and my [good, close] friends in my life, and them alone. I know that I could be happier if I had a person to snuggle/sleep/share-everything with, but I don't have that and I am going to make the best of what I DO have in my life right now. I love hugs, and the fact that Graham and Metro both gave me hugs because they were happy to see me again was awesome. My roommates are the best (except the other two...they are homophobic, and do not hug other males...except for Bolton, who occasionaly gives an ass grab).
Anyway, not much more to write right now. I'm feeling okay, but could be better. On the flip side, I could be MUCH worse... |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 8th, 2006|02:12 am] |
Tonight was interesting. After I picked up my keys from the gym, I went to Kroger and bought some fruit and milk. I came home and shot some baskets outside in the dark. I told Ang to stop by to see Bruce, Apollo and Zoey (2 dogs and a kitty), but before that she said that she'd at least call if she was coming back to east lansing or not when she got off work at 9. Well, it's 2:15am and no call, and I refuse to call her because thats what always used to happen. I know she has a stoner memory even though she has never smoked (big plus), but even though we're not together, as a friend I at least expect to know whether or not to expect her. The difference now is, I made plans to hang out with Boots, and so the 'success' of my night didn't depend on a phone call. It was actually really fun. We watched Jeopardy (Boots gets all the history and geography questions and I get all the science and sports questions). Metro's cousin Jeremy came over and hung out. He's awesome, and we've had some really deep conversations this semester. We watched Kill Bill Vol. 2, then Evan and Sean came over and woke Andy up looking for a ride to Rick's. Andy was asleep, so I offered and they accepted and I gave them a ride. Now I'm back here and Bolton is fighting with his girlfriend online because her friend has cancer and she is accusing him of not caring enough. From what he has told me, it sounds like she doesn't even want to believe that he cares, no matter what he says or does, and those are my words and mine alone.
I know that I have a tendency to read into things too much, and I have come a very long way over the last few years and especially over the last few months. The reading into things comes from bad experiences. It's hard to not think about stuff when somebody who says they want to hang out says they will at least call and they don't. I am not expecting things to be the way they once were and I'm not sure that I even want that right now. I just think that it would be curtious to at least NOT leave me hanging, but then that was one of the things that always upset me. However, while that was frustrating, the quality of the time spent together far outweighed the petty upsets that made up the negative aspects. If both ends work equally, I know that this could be a terrific friendship. We already know so much about each other, advice would be a cinch regarding just about any matter. When you are in a relationship with somebody for 38 1/2 months, you tend to learn a lot about the other person. The most important thing I learned is that with anybody, there are going to be things that you like and things that you don't like about the person. Moreso about the person's habits and ways of going about different situations. The key is to realize what is acceptable and what is not, in order for things to work properly. What is not cool is to ask people to change for your own interests. What is acceptable is to honor the yearning of oneself to better themself through change. This has to be at their own will, or else you run the risk of the person changing and not being happy with themselves. This change takes for lack of a better term, 'balls'. Courage may be a more noble way to put it, but I think that's enough preaching for tonight/this morning. I know that I will call her tomorrow just to see what happened, because I know that stuff can come up and complicate situations, and things aren't always what they seem (especially if you take a pecimistic stance on the matter).
This may all sound like I am trying to rekindle a lost love, but really I am just trying to incorporate a person back into my life who was such a HUGE part of it for so many years. My whole family loves her and her whole family loves me, and that is something that simply cannot be ignored. I really don't know how to interpret my dreams either...
Goodnight. If this hurts anyone, I am sorry, but I am writing what I am feeling right now. If you have spare time, I highly recommend checking out this link. It always makes me laugh out loud... http://www.yikers.com/video_im_the_juggernaut_bitch.html
This weekend at home with friends from here and from high school that go to U of M should be awesome. Apparently, Rob from Tally Hall (yellow) was the T.A. for my stand-partner, 'Tusa' (Noah Tulin-Silver)'s Organic Chemistry class. Small world, eh? Goodnight for real. The way I see it, if you care about me, you'll return my calls. If you care about me, you'll call me every week. If you care about me, you'll let me listen to your problems. If you care about me, you'll listen to my problems. If you care about me...you'll convince me that it is so...
Quotation of the day: "We gave the cat pain killers. We're trying to dope him up so we can clean his ears... ...Come over and bring Mom and Dad's clippers. You can help us shave the cat. We're gonna make him look like a lion." -My awesome 24-year-old sister, JEN! (She also informed me that her and our friend Monica are going to see 'The Big Lebowski' at the STATE Theatre on saturday and are bringing White Russians (the drink {Khalua, vodka and milk/cream}) in thermos', so she won't be going to the Tally Hall concert with me :-(
Bed time for the bad/nice guy. . . |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 7th, 2006|05:56 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Space | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | lonely | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Incubus - Redefine | ] |
Well, it's been a long week but it's finally the weekend. They're not as bad as when I was in chemical engneering, but I still have to do lots of homework on friday, saturday and sunday. School has been going well latey and one of the best feelings for me, is feeling productive. I haven't been sleeping well all week, but somehow I manage to be one of the most alert people in my classes...I can tell because a high percentage of the students in my classes doze off, whether it's at 9am or 4 in the afternoon.
So yesterday I got kicked out of the International Center at ~11:55am because I was studying and didn't buy anything from the food court. Bullshit is what I say, I mean, there are so many other people not buying anything there, and I've been there studying without making a purchase at that vame time like, 2-dozen times this semester and have never had any trouble. I talked to my mom later that day and we agreed that I should write an email asking why that is. As far as I'm concerned, I pay this university to be able to use the facilities that my tuition helps maintain. Whatever, I was more surprised than anything. So, I just came back to the house, did some more HW and reading, played bball with graham (1-on-1 has become way more common when it's just the two of us), and then pretty much just bummed around the house. Watched the Pistons beat the Heat while doing homework. I was so good, I had offers to a) Go to the Lugnuts game, b) Go to Harpers with Graham for dinner and to see a band play, c) Go to the Spartan Sports Den with my Chem. E. buddy Mike, and d) Go to the Guster concert. I made the smart choice to stay in by myself and just do homework. Later, Tony called and told me to come to the Riv to hang out with him and my other roommate-to-be, Chris (who I still haven't met). Then, Boots and Whit came over with Citizen Kane, so we watched that and I did more HW. Went to bed at 1:30, didn't fall asleep til after 3:30, got up at 7:30 and finished up the last bit of HW that I had to turn in.
Tonight, I'm torn between going home, hanging out with Boots and others for Karen's b-day, and hanging out with Bolton...I mean, if I don't go home tonight, I'll go at like, 9 tomorrow morning anyway, so what would be the harm? Plus, I'm sure people will need rides home tonight from Karen's b-day festivities. Tomorrow night I'm hanging out with my little sister until the Tally Hall concert at 10:30pm. That'll be awesome, and the Blind Pig is only like, 3 miles from my house. I know that Boots and Karen are both going too, so we'll probably all hang out before and after the concert which will be fun.
Last night as I layed in my huge comfy bed, I couldn't stop thinking about the last ~3 1/2 years of my life. Everything was so perfect it seemed. The future seemed so layed out and certain and I was so happy thinking about it. We both were. I reflect back on all the fun times, genuine feelings and laughs and everything else that was so indescribable. I miss that so much always. Part of me wants that back, knowing that if I was then who I am now, with all the little changes that I was forced to make, things would be even better and the issues that were had, wouldn't be any more. The rest of me says and knows that I was over it. It's just strange how a litte thing can bring back a tsunami of memories which just won't seem to leave. I don't know what the future holds for me, and I guess thats why they call it 'living' instead of 'planning the rest of your life right now'. I suppose that makes life more interesting and at the same time, more difficult. I like knowing what is going to happen, but sometimes it just isn't like that. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 5th, 2006|11:43 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  mellow | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Beethoven - Moonlight Sonata | ] |
Well it's that time again. Time to write down some stuff. The problem is, I don't even know what to write or where to begin. For now I'll write down the stuff that isn't really important, simply because I don't feel like writing anything else.
I had a dream last night/this morning that I went to a small museum and there was a skeleton in a glass case on display. Then, for some reason it was night time and I was in the front yard of a creepy house and somebody was there with me but I don't know who it was. This 'yard' was more of a dead garden and reminded me of a graveyard. I next saw a pile of dirt which was fiarly small and said to myself 'oh I know that something is gonna come out of there' and sure enough, these scary skeleton hands popped up, then tried to go back underground, and for some reason I decided to grab them and pull that bastard up. I broke him apart and there was money inside...very strange. After that, I was on some college campus and bumbed into KT Mackenzie and we went back to that museum and the skeleton was gone. I don't know what to beleve about dream analysis like, if it's reliable, or where to start but I could make some connections now that I think about it.
I slept really poorly last night too. I don't know why but sometimes the only sleep I get is during the 9-minute intervals between hitting the snooze button, and it can be really frustrating. I went to all of my classes which has been very typical lately and I love it. I just feel like I have purpose when I stay busy. It was soooo nice out too, so I played HORSE with Bolton and Graham for awhile which is always a lot of fun. I got dinner with Graham and then took him to the library and went to the gym. That felt really good. Then I threw on my skates and went for a 6-mile skate. I forgot how much fun it can be, and how graceful it makes me feel. The thing that sucks is that in some places the sidewalks are awful and like, 2.5 feet wide which makes it difficult to get into a rhythm. My knees are sore from it too. I also have these scars on the backs of my ankles from skating which have a tendency to just tear off when I skate, and they get really painful until I take the skates and socks off. Regardless, it was still good to just get out into the night alone and enjoy it.
Boots was supposed to come over with some good movies, but he had CAPA so I'm going to bed and getting up early to do homework and study all day {unless of course it is gorgeous outside again}. I'm exhausted, mentally and physically. I know I'll be fine and I know that I can be a very good person. Yes, there are some things about me that I don't like and I have been working at since high school and I've come a long way but I'm still not completely the person that I want to be. I'm not sure if I ever will be though, which could be good or bad. It will always give me something to strive for, but will I ever be happy with myself? I will be, once I work out all the kinks that nobody except Angie and I know about. A though crossed my mind today while I was driving, then again while I was skating...If I had died today, I would not have died happy. There is so much that I want to accomplish and that is motivation to strive for those things because you never know what will happen in a given day, but I refuse to live in fear of the unknown...I only fear that one day I'll wake up and there will be a huge robot bear standing next to my bed and it will want to battle me. Kidding, I'd just pour water on it, causing a short circuit and my victory.
My hair is really soft right now. As for right now, all I can do is maintain a positive outlook on the future and just live. Yesterday is in the past, and it will never be tomorrow. Only today... |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 4th, 2006|02:23 am] |
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I just don't know what to think anymore... I mean, I know what I feel and I have read what she says she feels, but the two just don't seem to agree sometimes. I know that I want things to work out, and that probably just seems redundant by now, but it's truely what I want. Tonight I just wanted to hang out with her, and once I realized that wasn't in the cards, tomorrow seemed to not work out either. I don't expect plans to be canceled for me, ever, because I hate it when people do that to me, but I just feel like I have been trying to hang out and have been getting the shaft so to speak. That may be a bit of an over-reaction on my behalf, but at the same time, I can't help but feel kind of ignored. I dunno, I'm tired and hopefully a good night of sleep will help clear my head. Good night. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 3rd, 2006|04:57 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | The Box | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | lethargic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The Dissociatives - Horror With Eyeballs | ] |
Today has been pretty slow-moving. I slept absolutely AWFUL last night! I didn't go to my 9:10 class, which was okay because it ended up getting canceled. Right now the wind is insane outside and it's really cold. I think that I am in strong need of a nap very soon. Graham and I have been putting the bottles and cans in bags to take back to Meijer. We need stuff so the house isn't such a sty (ie garbage bags & paper towels. This house shuts down without those things).
I think that I'm going home this coming weekend. I want my friends to go with me cause Tally Hall is playing and we could all just crash at my house afterwards. The d-chords might go back to pittsburg though, in which case I would probably be going by myself, maybe with Jen if she's off work, and I really want Heather to come too.
As for that situation I can't stress enough how badly I want things to work out. I can't get her off of my mind and I take that as a sign to not give up. I can't even say one thing that I miss the most, because I miss it all! I can only pray that I'll get another chance to make her feel like (and KNOW) that I really really do care and want things to work out more than anything else right now. I just miss her so bad.
Well, I have my appointment with the counselor/therapist tomorrow at 10:30 and I'm definitely still going to go. I can say to myself that I feel more in control than I have in a long time, but why stop there? There is no shame in seeking extra help and the way I see it, only good can come of it.
Right now, Graham-a-lam and I are going to head to Meijer as I said, and then I'll probably have to start some homework BS. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 2nd, 2006|11:34 pm] |
Well, I had a decent weekend for the most part. Last night I rented the first two seasons of 'curb your enthusiasm'. They're amazing, but my computer won't copy them which upsets me. I ended up picking up Mike Nelson and we drove out to Sam's parents house in grand ledge. That was a lot of fun, but we got really lost on the way there because the highway is stupid. You think that you are getting off at the right spot, but the exit just spits you back out onto 127 north. We made it though and just watched curb and played some pool. I'm sad that Sam doesn't live 2 blocks away from me anymore. Instead of a 20 second drive, it's a 20 minute drive. His dog is really funny though. She's a european yellow lab. She's smaller than a normal lab and very thick but a sweetie nonetheless.
Last night I wanted so badly to just hang out with her and watch movies, but I had already made plans to go out to Sam's with Mike. I miss her like crazy! Lately every time I fall asleep I dream about her and us. I love it, but it makes waking up less welcome. I suppose that it wouldn't be healthy to rely on my dreams for happiness. I really wish I didn't have class tomorrow too, I just want to lay around more and ignore my responsibilities which in itself is irresponsible.
Anyway, I think that I'm going home next weekend to see Tally Hall at the Blind Pig. I want all my friends to come and stay at my house. I think that could be a lot of fun. As for right now, I'm very tired and very ready for bed. I really miss having somebody to sleep next to. Sleeping alone is the worst, and just knowing that when you wake up that special someone will be there, right next to you, is one of the most comforting feelings one can have in my opinion. Goodnight, I'm gonna try to get some sleep. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 1st, 2006|11:40 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | The Box | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  And my ears hurt... | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Drum Solo's in general | ] |
Well, last night was pretty fun. Fairly uneventful, but fun nonetheless. Right now I'm watching all the drum solo's that my uncle Mark gave to me and they are amazing. The best one is of Buddy Rich and it's in black & white. Once he finishes it looks like he has been asleep, or in some king of trance. It's amazing. Now it's Mike Portney's turn to impress me and he's doing a damn good job. The thing I respect about Buddy Rich is that he can create such amazing stuff with only a few drums and cymbals. That is the mark of a truely incredible drummer. Mike Portney is the sh##, but he has a ton of stuff on his kit too. Neal Peart has my heart though due to the fact that when he performs a solo, he incorporates his drums, bell chimes and a glockenspiel. He doesn't just hit the skinds, he plays music. All this thought makes me want to do one of two things...either watch the DVD I have of Rush performing in Brazil, or play my drums myself.
There is one thing that I truely do not understand...Why does Boots leave his car here in our driveway when his lot is bigger, and 5 houses away??? I think I'm gonna start parking at his house, and I'm not kidding at all...
So I gave myself 2 new piercings yesterday and I like them both. All I need now is some good hoops to go in them. Look's like I'm going back to the mall today sometime! (The blueish studs I have in them now are not my favorite...).
Well, now it's time to play some sort of video game. Saturday's are the schnitt, even though I have 2 assignments due monday and one due by midnight on sunday. IAH can kiss my ass. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 31st, 2006|06:02 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | The Box | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  calm | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Blind Faith - Do What You Like (incredible drum solo by G.B. | ] |
It's storming outside and I LOVE IT! Thunder storms are my favorite kind of weather. They're the best when you have someone to hold close though... Anyway, today I got to hang out with Heather, which was the highlight of my week. Even though I know that things aren't (and probably won't be for a very very long time) back to the way they were, just being around her confirmed some things that I have been debating in my mind. Basically, I know that I want her to be a big part of my life still. Yes it will take time, but as I have said many times before, it is more than worth the wait and the effort that I must put forth. She is an amazing person. There are very few people that I feel comfortable around, but she is one of them. {A big boom of thunder just happened and it made me smile :)}. I don't feel like I have to put on an act around her ever. I have opened up and told her things that I have only told to my roommates and my older sister, and that is saying something. I have a hard time opening up to people most of the time, unless I feel completely at ease. It is a great feeling, and I just want to show her how important she is to me. Like I said, that will take time and energy, but it is more than worth it I know.
She said something interesting at the mall today. Basically that we're both free to do whatever. That is fair given the circumstances, but I know what that means for me. I have never kissed a girl who wasn't my girlfriend, I've never had a random hook-up, and I think that is a good thing. I have no regrets because of it. I have no friendships that are awkward because of that, and I am happy with that. I also don't judge people who have had different experiences than me. Our experiences are a huge part of who we are, and I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason.
Anyway, I spent some time this evening drawing. I used to draw all the time and I loved it, and just letting go and sketching some stuff relaxed me a lot. I drew a picture/caricature of 'The Box' and I think it's pretty funny. It makes me want to do what I did last year. I cut out gigantic eyebrows and a big nose from these big cardboard slabs and nailed them to the front of the house so the box looked like a face. I also put the plug-in jack-o-lanterns in the windows so it looked like the house's eyes had pupils. Last year was awesome. I look forward to next year too though, living with Tony has it's ups and downs though. Thats different shit for a different day. I played a game with andy and bolton on our house network which was awesome. We haven't done that since like, September. Bolton is home though, and andy is being his usual reclusive self. I might go play basketball with dan, but I may just stay in and watch the Pistons until I go to Fresh's.
To conclude today, Bolton and I had insufficient IAH projects, I hung out with Heather which confirmed some feelings that I was unsure about, and I saw sun (:-D) and a great thunder storm (:-D), and I got to draw a funny picture of my house. I'll post it on facebook or something. I'm much less confused after today, and I know now for sure that I really do want back what I lost.
I also saw a beautiful rainbow. Sometimes the most beautiful things in life are right in front of us, we just have to be able to recognize them and when we do, we must take the time to appreciate them. That goes for more than just rainbows. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 31st, 2006|12:49 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | The Box | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  stressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Blind Faith - Had To Cry Today | ] |
I don't know what to think. I have been doing my best to show that I care, but somehow that doesn't seem to be enough, ever. Tonight I hit a bump. I tried to call and chat for a little while, but got hung up on because a fucking card game was at stake. Maybe I shouldn't invest myself so emotionally. I know that I fuct up, but once I have admitted that and done my best to fix it (in progress), that doesn't mean that I deserve to be shat on. I know that I deserve some respect for doing what I am right now, and it seems like only certain people are giving me that. Those people mainly being my sister, Metro, Graham, AssVan, and myself. I know that I am doing a great thing for myself, and I also know that I have made some mistakes. The thing is, I know that I am willing to accept that, and move on, with the intention of never making those same mistakes. You have to learn from them.
Tonight, I was given the shaft a few times, and it felt awful. I don't know how/if things will work out with Heather, although I really hope that they do, but I know that reagardless of that, I have made positive changes to my life and my lifestyle. I do care, and I want more than anything for stuff to get straight, but it is a two-way street. I have done all that I can to better myself, and all I need is the chance to show that I have done so. If not given that chance, I have no reason to believe that she wants things to work out. I'm sick of being toyed around with. I know where my heart is, I know what I want and I just want to know that if I pursue this, what I want will be the result. That may be a bit too much to stomach for most, but when you're in my situation, and you have so many indescribable memories and two bad ones, you might start to come around.
I don't even know what else to say, I have been stood up, I have been ignored, but I don't think that I have ever been this upset about something. It doesn't help that Andy was a complete asshole tonight either. As I have said many times before...Thank GOD for Metro...He's my favorite...
Goodnight, I should sleep fairly well, although I have never been one to be fond of sleeping alone... |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 29th, 2006|10:23 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | thankful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Duke Ellington - Take the A-train | ] |
9 lasts
-last place you were: Rick's, protecting Fresh from death
-last cigarette: freshman year of H.S.
-last beverage: Milk
-last kiss: a week and a half ago
-last movie seen: Rumor Has It
-last phone call: Heather
-last CD played: Tally Hall
-last bubble bath: Spring break at home
-last time you cried: Last friday
8 have you evers.
-have you ever dated someone twice: Yes
-have you ever been cheated on: Sort of...Long story
-have you ever kissed somebody and regretted it?: No, I've never kissed somebody who wasn't my girlfriend, and roommates don't count
-have you ever fallen in love: Yes
-have you ever been depressed: Hell Yes
-have you ever been drunk and thrown up: Yep
-have you ever lost someone: Yes
7 states you’ve been to:
1. Maine
2. New Jersey
3. New York
4. Massachussetts
5. South Carolina
6. Montana
7. Wyoming
6 things you've done today.
1. Went to classes
2. Played HORSE with Graham and beat him in both games
3. Worked on a project
4. Did some personal writing
5. Took my shirt off and ran around the house with it on my head yelling all crazy
6. Made chocolate chip pancakes
5 favorite things
1. My family
2. My friends
3. Music (playing/listening)
4. Making people laugh
5. Feeling loved
4 people you can tell pretty much anything to
1. Jen my sister
2. Metro
3. My mom
4. Graham
3 favorite colors
1. Blue
2. Green
3. Red
2 things you want to do before you die
1. Find that someone
2. Be the favorite teacher of at least 5 students for every year that I teach once I graduate
1 thing you regret:
1. Not being honest with myself in the past. That, and spending my first 3.5 years of college as an engineer. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 27th, 2006|12:38 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sleepy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Adrian Belew - Under the Radar | ] |
It's been a long weekend. I talked to a lot of people, and I thought about things a lot. I did a ton of homework just to keep my mind off of things, which is good and bad because while I'm ahead in school, now I'll have more free time which will seem empty.
I have been really proud of myself, not in an egotistical way, but in a way that says, 'there ya go Joe, see, you're doing great! Without that slap into reality you would've done things differently just now! But you didn't, and thats good.' I still just can't get my mind unwrapped from this situation. Even being home didn't completely clear my head of things. It really did help though, and concentrating on school makes things altogether less difficult.
Tony and I have a sort of joint interview with the new owner of a coney island in the hannah plaze on hagadorn so thats pretty cool. We want to either be cooks, waiters or a combination of the two; a tag-team if you will. We would have sooo much fun working in a restaurant together.
Anyway, I'm getting up early as usual tomorrow so I'm going to try to get some sleep. I don't know whether I should hope for the kind of dream that I have been having lately, or if I should wish for something totally unrelated. All I know is that I miss her and I'm still hurting. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 26th, 2006|02:52 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | Intelligent | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Tally Hall (just in general) | ] |
Well, it's been an interesting weekend. Friday I justhung out with Metro and watched the Pistons beat the Pacers. One of the ugliest games I've ever seen I might add. Later, we went over to Muffin's for his birthday at 11pm but he had been on a bar crawl since 6, and nobody was there. We broke into his house using my starbucks gift card and hung out til 1 before Muff finally got there. We left at ~1:10am. The most fun I had there was for one, going to jimmy johns with Boots so he didn't get himself killed, and solving a math provlem for Staci. I slept on the couch downstairs again and slept really well. Had good, but strange dreams.
Saturday I got up and made a great breakfast, then went to pick up Metro from Fresh's where he crashed, then got ready and came went home to Ann Arbor. I sat in the music room at home and watched DVD's and got ahead in my homework. I went to see my little sister's play and she was awesome! I cut my hair and showered, then took Clare (little sis) to the cast party at the bowling alley, then went to jen's restaurant to wait for her to get off work. I hung out with all her employee friends that I've made really good friends with too.
When she got off work, we talked about everything that has been going on the last week or so, then I went to pick up Clare and take her home. There, I had a long heart-to-heart with my mom that was really good. She rules! Then I picked up Jen and her friend Johnny and we went to the RAW house, and the hilarity began...
So when I picked her up, jen was already drunk. I took her to pick up a 5th of jack daniels and I went in with her, but she was being really loud so I walked out and went to my car. At the RAW house...First, let me describe this place: A bunch of hardcore punks with dreadlock-mowhawks, pink hair, etc. However, they are the coolest fucking people ever and I love em. I don't judge books by their covers, and they're a perfect example of why people shouldn't. Everyone except Johnny and I was getting hammered, and Jen was kinda out of control. There were too many awesome moments to write here. I did find out some things that I didn't want to know about Jen...Like how much cocaine she used to do. Thats really scary to me. I've never done that and I don't plan on it...ever... Overall, it was a good time and we stayed there for a pretty long time, until ~3am. Then, she convinced Gidian to come try to hook up with her roommate Wade (both gay and fucking awesome dudes). So I took Jen, Johnny and Gidian all back to Jen's house and then I came back home and went to sleep.
I had another dream last night that made me wish even more that I could change the recent past. Part of me says 'just get over her but most of me simply doesn't want to based on the mere hope that things could possibly work out sooner or later. I just don't know.
On a side note, Jen offered to buy me a beer at her work, and I said 'no thanks'. She twice offered me jack daniels at the RAW house, and I said 'no thanks' both times. She offered me pot at the RAW house, and I waved it off. i was very good. I still have not had any substance since monday, and I feel GREAT! That is just fuel to keep this up.
I'm still at home, but I'm going back to east lansing fairly soon and I'm gonna hang out with Tony at the art studio while he works on his art pieces, and I'm gonna do homework and study. I single-handidly set up a plan for my roommates and I to actually all hang out tonight. I'm really happy about that because we don't do that nearly enough. Partially because Bolton is always at Mandy's, Andy is always in his room and HATES basketball, Graham is always AWOL, and Metro, though better than the rest, is really busy with campus life. I'm happy that we're all going to hang out.
Quotation of the night: "You can flush a chihuahua down the toilet dude! You don't gotta bury them in the fuckin' yard! You can just do em' like a goldfish!" -Chuck |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 25th, 2006|12:45 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sad | ] |
| [ | music |
| | If I Could Turn Back Time | ] |
It seems like the only place I can find true happiness is in my dreams. Last night I had one, about the past. It made me really happy until I woke up and realized that it wasn't so. I've been having a lot of these dreams lately, the kind that make waking up a disappointment. I don't know what they mean, if anything that is... While they make sleeping more pleasant, it makes the days harder. I don't know what to think, and there is no way to deal with it unless there is some secret to making dreams come true. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 24th, 2006|10:49 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | mellow | ] |
You might wonder how and/or why my last entry was so optimistic. I have one simple answer. If I took any other attitude, I think I would go mad. While I wait to see what does or does not unfold, I can only hope that what happens is better for everyone. I would like to say that things will work out to be as they were only a few weeks ago, but the more I wait, the more sure I become that they will not. As painful as that is to say. I can't help but think back on how every moment was absolutely amazing and about how much I wish that I could change the recent past. Valentines day, Chinese Buffet, RENT, grilled peanut butter/honey/banana sandwiches, hooka, staying up late and gettin to sleep next to the one that I care about. The simple truth is that I cannot. It's up to her now. I want to have her back, I know my position on the situation and I have done all that I can to try to put the pieces back together. I am lucky to have had her in my life at all, and I just want to keep having that. That feeling that makes one feel so special and important and alive. I hope I should be so lucky. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 24th, 2006|03:25 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  optimistic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | 311 - I'll Be Here Awhle | ] |
When you're down and nearly out, thats when you find out who really cares about you. Those who are willing to stick by you no matter what and offer a helping hand instead of a stiff arm. No matter what the crime, they still love you and want to help you through the thick. They help you to love yourself instead of hate yourself, and they make you want to better yourself instead of slip deeper into the darkness. Sometimes it's tough love and sometimes it's not, but either way, it's love. Thank you to those people, I'm finally on the right track, and it feels really good. Love you all. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 23rd, 2006|09:43 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  exhausted | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Rush - New World Man | ] |
After a few days of phone tag and them having the wrong area code (their fault via assumption), I finally scheduled an appointment to talk to somebody about my problem. It's called 'East Side Therapy and Counseling' and I have a good feeling about it. At first it was a really really difficult call to make, but I did it. There are more important things than pride, actually, just about everything is more important than pride. Talking to and not being able to talk to people both helped me to realize how important it was to do what I did. Although the pain that I am still going through burns like hell, it made me realize how badly this was needed, and I know that it is better for me, it will better my quality of life, and I will be a better person to be around.
The past two days have been long. Tuesday I called the therapist and they said they would call back wednesday. Wednesday I went to linear algebra at 9:10, then came home and worked on that assignment until IAH at 11:30, then came home and kept working on it until statistics at 3, then worked on the math assignment and did some reading until 6. THe math assignment only has 2 more problems to go, but he hasn't gone over the material needed to solve them. Then I went to the gym and watched the pistons while reading for statistics and linear algebra. Today, I got up at 8:47 after hitting my alarm at 8:45 because I got this strange feeling that I had to go into the living room. Maybe it was just to get my ass out of bed, but I can't really explain it, it was wierd. Then I went to the I.C. from 10-1:30ish to work on a statistics assignment that I got wednesday, then came home to eat and went back to the I.C. from 2-4 where I finished my 5-page statistics assignment. I came back home and read over some poetry for IAH...it was good stuff too, lots of Langston Hughes. Then I went to the gym and came home to read my linear algebra text & watched some of the NCAA tournament. I'm still exhausted because the last two nights I've had a total of about 4 hours of sleep. I just can't stop thinking about things no matter how tired I am. I really want things to work out with her and me (more than anything), but I understand that until I have proven that I am sincere and will do whatever it takes to get on track with my life, nobody can invest emotionally in me. It takes time to show such a thing. While that really sucks and it's extremely painful, I have nobody to blame but myself, and I need and want to do this for myself so I don't hurt anyone else that I care about. I think about and regret things, and many times in the past couple days have found myself on the brink of tears.
On a lighter note, I talked to my sister again today. Her dog ate half of one of her futon mattresses that makes up her bed, and her cat fell out the second story window. He's okay, otherwise this would not be a lighter note. She woke up to meowing and though 'I don't remember letting the cat out of my room' so she opened the door to discover nothing. She still hear it, and she looked out her window to see Bowie (the cat, duh) holding on to the 1st-story window ledge with his front paws, meowing. He's fine, and an asshole not for falling out the window, just in general he's an asshole. She's playing a show tomorrow night in Detroit and I might go see it with my dad if I end up going home.
Meanwhile, Cingular wireless has been fucking me over since August when I first cancelled my membership. The contract was up and I had a new phone, and I cancelled, yet they are STILL charging me! They owe me over 200 bucks and since I've called them more than once to cancel, my mom called today and supposidly (like they said before), they'll put the money back in my account and cancel the account. You'd think that they would think something was up when zero minutes every month were being used...Whatever, don't trust cingular wireless.
Boots and Whit are over, an Andy and Graham are here and they want me to watch some stupid movie that Boots wants me to 'appreciate with him' haha. I love Boots...Bolton of course went to Mandy's for the night for about the 154th consecutive night. Boots tried to convince him to stay but we told him it was a lost cause, which it really is.
This is a really long entry...wow...I'm tired, I have to get up at 8, and I hope that everyone believes me when I say that I am doing what it takes to help myself get through this. I'm sorry to everyone that I have hurt and mean that sincerely. I hope that you can forgive me. |
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maddrummerjoe's journal